I AM a New Me

It’s what Father spoke to my heart on a particularly hard day. I wasn’t handling grief well. Rather, I was sinking deeper into its pit of heartache. And it was actually hurting me. That’s when I knew it was doing damage to my body and I would suffer more than heartbreak.

When they say heartbreak, remember that there are hormones speeding to your heart and they are doing what you’re saying. They are breaking your heart.

Don’t forget that. Ever. That word is your clue to stop doing what you’re doing in that moment. And if you don’t know how, cry out to Father. He always knows.



So, when I cried out to him, it wasn’t minutes later that friends pulled up to visit. Friends are amazing. They love you and want to know everything. And still love you. Then you can laugh and discuss other things that change the landscape of your thoughts. It’s wonderful

After they left, those black hooks of grief were swirling around my head threatening to gash me some more. But no sooner did I notice them than a friend called. And once again I was swept away in the love and the different landscape of reality.

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BOUNDARIES AND ABUSE

I no longer see anything in any relationship as fair/right. It is purely humans interacting from their Being. Whether it’s fair or right is irrelevant. The better question to ask is “Is this damage within them? Are they accepting it as permanent? Or are they working on it? And should I leave the association because it’s above my “pay grade” to understand or assimilate healing for them?”

We can only make this decision ourselves. And subsequently, go through the learning process to achieve our decision because it will be full of faltering steps until we fully succeed.

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MY EYES ARE AWESOME!

This is an odd little story, I think. But after Father said to me, “I think it’s time for you to let go of Hunny” he followed that with “It’s time to love yourself that way. After all Hunny is IN you with me”.

Well, that was profound to me and somehow for the first time in my life, it felt like I might actually be able to do this thing I’d been working so hard to achieve for a very long time. Loving me. Just me as I am. But it didn’t work at all like I thought it would. It was a very relaxing thing. No hard work at all. And weirdly, I suddenly appreciated this reaction of rest within myself.

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WHERE AM I? I AM

These days I’m asking myself what I want to be when I grow up and then have no clue. I resort to asking, “Where am I?” And of course, soon, Father reminds me that it’s always simple… I AM.

That statement seems to open a door in my mind which sets my spirit to painting. It paints on my “imagination” canvas like a Tasmanian devil. First one scene, then another, and another. They flip by so fast! And I can grasp any one of these fleeting images out of the air as they flit by. The choice is mine. Any one of them. Or more. Choose.

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6 MONTHS

6 months is how long it’s been since Hunny transitioned. So, I asked myself, “How are you?”

Very well, actually. And it’s an odd story because each step entered as something gone wrong.

First, an old friend resurfaced declaring his undying love for me. That was the first of many red flags, as they are called. But I didn’t run away, rather my curiosity kicked into gear. What was this new “hell”? Plus, it was distracting me from that phase of mourning I call “sinking into the black hole of grieving” and reminding me to laugh and be happy again.

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LIGHTNESS OF BEING

There’s an incredible lightness of Being when certain ones exit my path. Sometimes there is something negative within their connection and sometimes it is simply that their path and mine were only useful for a moment.

Once I met a lady at work and immediately we clicked. We shared a lunchtime rapport each day for a couple of weeks and then she was gone seemingly in a moment. But she gave me my first copy of God Calling. The devotional that got me through a couple of years of hell back then.

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A GOOD MAN

Throughout my life, and especially my years as a mostly traditional Christian, I noticed something about men. They were bossy, arrogant, and often stupid. And yes, I could use a nicer word, but I’m going to use the one that fits best and everyone understands.

It’s not that God made them this way. It’s what they were taught by other bossy, arrogant, stupid men. And no matter how much the Bible talks about attitude, love, and respect, they just didn’t get it.

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THE DEEPEST SIN

“The deepest sin against the human mind
is to believe things without evidence.”

Aldous Huxley

The simplest example of Aldous’s statement is when someone tells you “I love you” but in the following days and weeks, it becomes apparent that you are insignificant except for maybe one thing. Adoring them.

Of course, we do it all the time. We believe what people tell us. And we do it constantly. To our disappointment. But this sin is already forgiven. Not only eternally but presently if we only awaken to this truth.

What would we do differently anyway? Not believe what anyone says? I know people who do this. And they aren’t happy people. So, their reaction isn’t helpful either.

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Experiences journeying with Father