SO MANY SCARY MONSTERS

Oh my, I have discovered so many scary monsters living in the depths of my subconscious since Hunny left. They are not his fault. They are simply an accumulation of thoughts and ideas I collected through the years but never had to confront because they regarded being widowed. And I was not one…until now.

The first one, of course, was the confrontation with the monster “what if my decisions are not good ones without him?” This was harder than you may think. Especially if you’ve had that “other” beside you for a very long time. Always there to bounce ideas with. Often interjecting them even before being asked. Lol. Sometimes insisting on their own perspective which may or may not be your idea of a good one. But regardless of the input…it is input. It is there. A constant. A voice now quiet. And the only answer to the question of whether my decisions are good without him is to reassess myself. My worthiness as a stand-alone, a highly capable singular person who was filled with another’s wisdom for a long time and is now the One. A very capable person. Smart enough to ask the right people when additional information is required. Yes. I am.

Continue reading SO MANY SCARY MONSTERS

GIDDY JOY

I was so completely overflowing with giddy joy yesterday that I could barely contain myself. Where was this coming from? And what was it ushering into my life? Joy. Overflowing Joy.

Father blessed me with a new avenue of joy for a couple of weeks. Someone to share this joy. Then that someone interrupted the joy by trying to isolate me. It was solely their choice. And I accepted this choice as theirs to make. So be it. Go with God.

And I cried like something was ripping from my chest. It was excruciating for a few hours.

Continue reading GIDDY JOY

A Different Insight of 2 Peter 3:10-11

As I studied hard on the details of meeting a friend for the first time in 17 years, I struggled. My plans weren’t coming together. None of them. And the frustration began building into a crescendo. All because I couldn’t figure out the perfect time and the perfect setting.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed with my disappointments and began crying. The tears turned into an out-of-control downward spiral, scaring me. What was happening? It was the strangest thing.

So, I chalked it up to being a new widow suffering grief. It’s my current Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card. I don’t use it often because it insults my intelligence and my Father’s goodness to me. But I used it this time because I couldn’t explain my spin-out of emotions.

I asked Father what it was all about.

Continue reading A Different Insight of 2 Peter 3:10-11

Is it Sunrise or a great explosion?

Contemplating last week, I could ask, is it sunrise, or a great explosion because a phenomenal Suddenly burst onto my somewhat weary journey.

I wasn’t looking for a Suddenly. Not at all. Instead, I was looking for plain and simple guidance to learn and grow from my rather terrible season. And it was coming toward me in abundance. Like in the comfort of a friend newly, and traumatically single. Or like in the Grace shown me by those who love me. Even governmental agencies seemed to go out of their way to assist me. It has truly been “the best of times and the worst of times”.

Continue reading Is it Sunrise or a great explosion?

GRASPING THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

Sinking into the darkness of grief and surrender, I got a glimpse of the next level of Kingdom light within me. It was a shock I still don’t completely understand and grasp. But it has to do with finding Father down there in that darkness of total suffering. Standing right there in front of me. In a place that I didn’t know he could walk as easily as he does in the light. Then I realized that he owns this too. Nothing doesn’t belong to him.

So, down in the darkness we generally suffer. Yet we’ve discovered some hidden advantages. How can suffering entail anything good? I’ve wondered that often. But it has always been true in my life. When I’m suffering that’s when I end up taking a step inward toward eternity. A step that I can’t seem to take outside of suffering. I suspect it’s because we have such screwed-up perceptions of who and what and where God lives, which isn’t any different than people have been since the beginning. So we find him when we release the hold on our human concept and surrender fully to where and what and how he not only wants to Be but already IS.

Continue reading GRASPING THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

THE BATTLE RAGING INSIDE ME

You may not know that losing a spouse to eternity incites a battle to rage inside. Every decision and every choice I make now most likely deconstructs a piece of the life I’m used to living. It can feel like changing my fingerprint or retina. Loosing the exact shape of things that have been a part of me for so long. Even when I choose to leave things as they are, there are other things that I must change.

A small example is Hunny’s phone and his phone number. There are a million and one ways to handle the question of what to do with them. My choice has been to leave it alone for a couple of months. But now it has stepped into the foreground and I made those decisions. The last detail was changing Hunny’s listing in my phone’s Contacts, along with his avatar and ringtone. And may I confide that I still have contacts in there that passed into eternity years ago. I enjoy seeing their names now and then.

This is exactly the kind of thing that lays await to pounce from inside the war zone. The battleground where new decisions dismantle or change the status quo of my habits and lifestyle.

Continue reading THE BATTLE RAGING INSIDE ME

THE SEPARATION OF DEATH

The separation between Hunny and I was the greatest shock for me because I haven’t been separate from him. We didn’t tolerate separation well. Even for years when we were both working, we’d each wear a Bluetooth all day. That Bluetooth carried a live phone call between us that began the moment we drove away from each other. And we maintained that call most all of the day. Even as we talked to others, the one of us at the other end of the Bluetooth simply waited.

We didn’t necessarily talk to each other all the time either. We simply knew that the only comfortable place in the world was in each other’s presence.

Thankfully, we quickly reconnected after he left. So, quickly in fact that he spoke to me as I was driving home from the hospital. And though it was a new topic, it wasn’t a new conversation, but the continuation of the one we’d had for…most of our life.

Continue reading THE SEPARATION OF DEATH

Living Opposite of Accepted Scriptural Teachings

My miraculous life began when I started living the opposite of accepted scriptural teachings. And not because I decided that I wanted to be contrary or rebellious or independent. All the things we’re taught NOT to do.

Nope it wasn’t because of any of those things. It was because of one thing. My scripturally sound lifestyle betrayed me. It did none of the things it promised and stabbed me in the back to boot.

But as a good christian woman I figured it was all my fault. I hadn’t surrendered to God enough. So after the divorce and the bankruptcy and the foreclosure…I surrendered everything. I told God that I obviously didn’t know how to do anything right, so from now on I wasn’t going to make any decisions. He had to make them all. And if he didn’t lead me then I’d just fall off the cliff. What difference did it make? I was already sitting at the bottom of my heap of destruction.

Continue reading Living Opposite of Accepted Scriptural Teachings

A Dreamers Vision

It feels a bit odd to me this morning, that I dreamt such a powerful vision. So real that I could feel the timbre of his voice. And how it radiated something inexplicable. So, I will share it with you, mostly. There are sacred parts that can’t be shared, of course.

In my dream/vision, I was involved in a deep, fully enveloping conversation. And I believe it was Hunny, but could have easily been Jesus, or Father. The nature of the thing seemed to be of all their characters combined.

Continue reading A Dreamers Vision

A Great Mirror

I’m reminded that what we see on one side of a mirror, the opposite is simultaneously happening on the other. The world has always been a dichotomy of this truth.

So, what is the opposite of this great wave of narcissism we see happening in our world? Well, I think it is a great wave of awakening of the truest self. The self made in the image of God. We are discovering it these days in a wave I don’t think has been seen before.

Lately, I’ve discovered this dichotomy in the mirror of love and hate in my life with Hunny. It’s been peeking around corners at me since Hunny’s transition. And I’ve been recognizing it yet wanting not to see it. Not now when I’m discovering ever deeper how amazing he was to me. I don’t want to see the other side too. But there it is. That dichotomy of truth.

Continue reading A Great Mirror

Experiences journeying with Father