The process of waking up to inner Light (The Kingdom) gradually forced me to stop denying inner darkness (Hell or Satan).  It was one of the hardest revelations to accept, but I’d like to share that journey with you.

I used to believe The Kingdom was in the future after Jesus’s return to earth.  Then I recognized that Jesus had already returned and was living inside me right now.  He also said The Kingdom dwelled within me.

There simply couldn’t be one of Him inside me and one coming in physical form.  That would make Him two separate beings. 

So, I concluded the obvious, that Jesus was a spiritual Being before His birth on earth and that He is a spiritual Being since His death on the cross.  His resurrected, spiritual Being lives inside me and THAT is His return to earth.

SO WHERE IS DARKNESS?

With Jesus living inside me, I wondered where darkness lived.  Could Jesus be inside me and darkness be outside me?  If that is the case then no darkness could ever come from me because He has no darkness inside Him. 

But I don’t act like Light all the time.  There is still a selfishness that lives in me regardless of how much I want to deny it, ignore it, and not allow it.  I’m supposed to have overcome it, but it still exists.   We, Christians call it the old man, the carnal nature.

The old man is darkness.  He’s not something else, like a third species of Being, part darkness, and part light.  The old man is a very personal type of darkness and I thought I could kill him by declaration, discipline, and believing. 

But that hasn’t happened either.  As far as I can tell, it hasn’t worked for my fellow Christians either.  

This is why it took months for me to see the Truth and accept it.  The bottom line is that aside from my complicated justifications, darkness lives inside me. The old man is still alive.

LIGHT AND DARKNESS?

Heaven and hell, light and darkness, existing within me at the same time is impossible according to scripture.  Or at least according to the way we have understood it. But what if we haven’t understood it accurately?  There seems to be a lot of that coming to light these days.  Holy cows are tipping over right and left.  Maybe this is one of them.

I know I particularly like to wear blinders when I’m frightened.  And some holy cows can cause a whole lot of fear.  For instance, once I prayed to experience visions, but I was afraid because I didn’t want to see scary things.  And we all know, there are lovely things and frightening things in the spiritual realm.  So, I put blinders on.  Unfortunately, those blinders blocked everything.  I couldn’t see visions at all until I was brave enough to take them off.

TAKING THE BLINDERS OFF

Father gently nudged me for a long time to take the blinders off and trust Him.  It took a lot of courage to trust that He would hold my hand even if I saw something ghoulishly scary.

But He made His point with a dream. A monster was growling and clawing at my bedroom door and I woke up scared, breathing heavily.  Then for the next few days, Father coaxed me to go back to the dream and open the door.  It took a lot of courage to do so but when I did, the door opened to reveal the monster was only a small chihuahua yapping on the other side.

Fear is always full of lies.

UNPACKING THE TRUTH

Next, Father said, “Have you looked at all the evil done on the earth?  Who did it?  Was it plants or animals, or even the earth itself?  Or was it mankind?”

“It was evil spirits tormenting us.”  I answered.

He said, “Really?  Do you remember stealing that plant or having that affair?  Were you tormented by an evil spirit?”

I started to nod in agreement but stopped because that wasn’t really the truth.  The truth is that I made those decisions based on selfish desires.  I wanted the plant more than I wanted to be righteous, at that moment.  And I wanted the affair because I deserved retaliation for his affair, at that time.  My justifications covered my guilty selfishness and since I believed darkness was only outside me, it became the fall guy.

SEPARATION?

I’d wandered away from God.  At least that was what I told others.  Until the day I heard Father say, “When did you do that?  I don’t recall it.”

“What do you mean, Father?  I did those bad things and walked away from you.”  I answered.

“You can’t walk away from Me.  Nothing can separate us.  I was right there beside you when you stole that plant, and when you had the affair.”

I closed my eyes and bowed my head in humiliation to think that Father was with me during those acts of darkness.

Then He said, “I’ve been to Hell.  Darkness doesn’t scare Me.  And no matter how many times you choose it, I’ll go with you.  I love you.”

His great Love was still operating even when I was choosing to justify darkness.  Oh, the humility.

IN THE SAME SPACE?

So, I said, “Father, how can you live within me along with inner darkness?”

“I live inside you and darkness lives inside you, but that doesn’t mean we exist in the same space.  Look at the moon.  When the sun shines on one side, the moon is full of light.  But the other side is darkness.  It is still one moon but darkness and light are separate.  Another example is a coin with two sides.  It’s still one coin.”

“You aren’t a container with one Being inside you.  You are a Being with a vast Universe of endless nuances.”

“Look at fractals.  The deeper you look, the farther it goes.  Fractals are an infinite space and inside that vastness, are bright light contours with dark recesses beside them.  That is what you are.  Fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am there.  The Kingdom is there.  And around the corner is Hell and Satan.  Everything is there.”

“You are the ruler of this vast kingdom that is You.  And you make the choices for every day, every moment, and in every situation.  You are a Being with free will.  Those dark places were covered and forgiven a long time ago and you are free to live without consequences, punishment, and shame.  I took them all so you don’t have to fear the Truth within you.”

LIFE

“My Life in you perfects you, and everything in you.  There’s no need to try to change those places of darkness.   They live in their proper spaces and are swallowed up in the Life that is Me.  Remember I said death is swallowed up in Life?  This is what I meant.”

“Remember the Tree of Good and Evil had no Joy because it was full of laws and consequences.  The Tree of Life is everything.  Evil is swallowed up in Life.  There is no more pain or crying or death, not even for the old man.  Jesus finished the transformation and you don’t need to transform yourself.”

“Let go.  Enjoy Life.  I gave it freely and abundantly.  Focus on Me and let me display what I have done.”

His words sent me into many long episodes of contemplation and pondering.  Often my brain simply couldn’t sort it all so I’d walk away from the discussion in a sort of overwhelmed limbo.

THE OLD MAN

The Apostle Paul taught us to take off the old man and put on the new man.  And we thought it happened through our hard work.  But we never truly killed him off.  Like an apocalyptic zombie, he returned again and again.  And we were frustrated, thinking we weren’t trying hard enough.  So we created more rules, more accountability groups, and more methods of behavioral modification.

But, like Father said, this isn’t Joy.  It isn’t freedom but rather more bondage.  Plus, we’re still flawed human beings trying to understand how to be perfect even as our Father is perfect.

So, I took His advice and let go.  I stopped pursuing righteousness, holiness, and perfection in myself and left it up to Father.  Ironically I began to see changes.  Some of them were in my perception and some were in my Self.  Oddly, my thinking began to morph.  My life wasn’t about “me or them” but rather about “what is beautiful”.  

CHANGING

I asked Father how He was doing this and He said, “Imagine all the darkness within you is an old building.  You don’t want to destroy it because it’s a piece of the neighborhood and its history.  But it’s ugly and dangerous.  So you take it apart, piece by piece.  Some pieces are cleaned up and re-used.  Others are replaced.”

“It’s a long process that takes time and Love.  It’s the Love that keeps moving forward in the face of overwhelming impossibility.  This is what I do.  It’s not your work.  It’s mine.  You simply choose to let go and let me.  Like the molecules inside an atom.  I painstakingly re-purpose them with the detailed precision of a master craftsman.  Until one day, it’s like a miracle has happened.”

“The darkness retains its ability to contrast the light and support it, but its angry selfishness has been transformed.  It is “swallowed up” in Love.”

“The old man isn’t destroyed but transformed into a new man.  You perceive with surprise that your motives are different on a primal level.”

He smiled with satisfaction, pleased with Himself.  I imagine this is where He said, ‘it is good’.

MY DESCRIPTION

The transformation Father does reminds me of the color black turning into soft, dark brown.  And it tastes like chocolate. Lol.

It feels exactly like the effects of Love doing its work inside me, making me perfect all the while I’m a Being of Light …. and darkness.  I don’t experience much Hell anymore.  And Satan certainly doesn’t seem to be himself.  Peace reigns in my kingdom and I’m free to love all the parts.  I don’t have to hide things in the back corners of my mind where they will haunt me or manifest as dark specters.   And I don’t have to fear anything because there’s nothing here to fear.

But the grandest transformation of all is how I see myself now.  I can actually begin to see the perfection of Father, like a mirror, becoming clearer and more glorious each day.  Not because I did something to achieve it, but rather because I surrendered so He could.

And all I have to do, is ENJOY LIFE, the light and the dark!

Blessings on your journey.

Faith