Well meaning friends and acquaintances come to see me, expecting wild displays of emotion. It seems easiest for me to simply talk about how Hunny passed through and what I know about it. They’re puzzled and confused by my dry-eyed conversation and I know they ask themselves if I have a cold heart or simply don’t know how to cry. I’ve been asked, “Have you cried yet?”

I’ve shaken my head for months now about this strange turn in our society. Where sobbing tears are not only expected, but applauded. Hunny and I discussed often how bizarre it was to us that people embrace being victims.

Instead of teaching children how to cope with great emotion through inner understanding and wisdom, we teach them to sob publicly as loudly and dramatically as possible. It appears that getting the most attention is the lesson we’ve taught them as normal. But from what I’ve noticed, it simply results in months, years, and lifetimes of therapy along with some psychotropic drugs.

This is the new normal I am supposed to support, embrace, and enact as a new widow.

. . . . . . . . .

About 15 years ago, one of my brothers passed into eternity. And the ball of emotion inside me was so big that it physically hurt. So, I took the day off work, got a cup of coffee, and went to sit on my deck in my jammies. It was time to mourn and face the demon of the black hole.

Gradually I began to cry. Then I sobbed. And then I faced that black hole that likes to suck us into perpetual tormenting sadness. Seeing that dark bottomless pit, I asked Father, “What do I do with this?” And he replied, “Face it. Without fear.” So, I looked up and saw the mountains in the west. Through their sculptured rocks I could make out the demon with burning eyes, ready to pounce on me.

Spirit rose up inside me and I stared hard into those fiery pits with a newfound determination. I said, “I love my brother and I will miss him. But you will not take my soul or any piece of it.” And I continued to stare hard, unwavering feet planted firmly.

After a time that seemed like all of heaven standing in silence, I felt that amazing Peace that passes understanding, begin seeping into the scene in my heart. And very slowly I watched the demon melt bit by bit into ashes.

I sat on that deck that whole day, but now it was in peaceful legacy to my brother. A respectful act of Love and honor for who he was to me. I could be sad at missing him, but also laugh at memories of goofiness. He was an amazing man who now lived in the eternal ether. I’ll never forget it.

From that day forward, I was able to go on with life fully and naturally. I’m sure there was another tear or two here and there through the months, but nothing so ominously black as that day. My heart was whole and my head was calm.

. . . . . . . . .

Since that day, I’ve known that my greatest enemy in trauma is the demon inside who wants to turn my tragedy into the decimation of my sanity, and my life. And I can, not only beat him, but I will accept nothing less.

So, if that makes me appear cold-hearted, and unable to deal with emotions, then so-be-it. I see it as not only able to wisely give emotions their “appropriate” space, but more than that. I’m able to conquer demons that should be conquered, and I’m able to honor that which is honorable.

Inner demons may have convinced much of our society to give them lots of free-rein territory in their hearts and minds, but I will never be convinced that it is the path to wellness.

Father doesn’t just hold my hand through the valley of the shadow of death, he teaches me how to Overcome every inner demon that thinks I have free territory for him in my head and heart.

I understand that there are infinite ways to cope and I send blessings for your inner battles of territory. Peace.

Faith