Yesterday, I fell down that black hole of grief and had one heck-of-a-time getting out.
It all began with a call to our attorney. Hunny and I have known him and his secretary for at least 20 years. They’ve been with us through painful family struggles and mundane chores. For some reason, that was the trigger that sent me into tears and kept me sobbing for most of the day.
I think it’s odd that I do so well with grief most of the time but telling others the news that Hunny is no longer walking in the flesh on this earth, is my Achilles heel. Why does the act of telling someone, reduce me to such tears that I can’t speak?
Maybe it’s a strange offering of my deepest, most precious pain…knowing that they are now going to experience it too. I wish I could stop doing it to them because I see the shock on their faces or in their voices and I pity them. That moment seems akin to driving a Mack truck into a granite mountain. And I hate doing it to anyone else.
. . . . . . . . .
Another oddity is that earlier in the day I was basking in a new revelation about our skin suit and our spirit in Father. How his plan of life on earth and in eternity is so filled with unmeasurable beauty and Love. And we carry it all within us in our inner kingdom. The place from which we have dominion and immortality.
It just seems weird that we can be helpless puddles of emotion and yet we are immeasurably full of strength and blinding light. What dichotomy!
We certainly are fearfully and wonderfully made. And this revelation has renewed my journey of learning to live from the kingdom. I thought I’d walked away from that adventure when I went to sit with Hunny for 2 years. Now, here I am, exactly at the point where I shelved it, and I’m moving forward again already.
For 30-plus years Hunny was an indelible part of my existence…and always will be. But in the same breath, we walk alone with only Father. Just like birth, we come naked, with only him by our side.
I’m in awe today of the marvelous works of his hands. It’s going to be a good day.
Faith
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story of struggle and pain.
What came to me while reading this is how none of us is responsible for the feelings, reactions and responses of others when we share ourselves or anything we say with them. This includes sharing our highs, lows, grief, losses, happiness and any kind of pain. I also like to think that our sharing can be therapeutic for them as they then have the opportunity to feel what they need to feel and process those feelings for themselves. As we share feelings with one another we allow them to see more of who we are.. Letting others into a deeper place inside of us can be scary for sure, but also can aid in the healing of one or both parties……Bless you as you grow and grieve through this season of loss and grief….The kingdom within you will comfort and heal you for sure…..X
Yes, thank you Marlene.