It was a weird phenomenon I didn’t expect. A conference of my peers and friends left me at home wondering whether to spend the money to go and be with them?
And I decided the answer was “no”. Why? Well, it has little to do with them, of course, and so much to do with me.
I knew there would be corporate worship. And then teaching time. All of it would be awesome and rewarding to anyone who went. Except, probably me.
No, I’m not a hardcore introvert. I actually have a very extrovert side which loves to engage with people. I especially love the one-on-one.
But. And there is a very big “but”. I can’t do it anymore.
This change in me is so difficult for others to understand. Some say they do, but then their words belie their statement.
Here’s the simple story. I left corporate worship and teaching, and honestly, as a result, I’ve become so One with Jesus, Father, and Holy Spirit, that “corporate” anything is simply very distracting for me.
I can’t dance with flags in front of a congregation and not know they are there. And, I can’t even talk to Father without first having to block them all out (which is difficult when we are standing shoulder-to-shoulder).
Does that mean I can’t hear Father when anyone is around me? Not at all. It simply means that when we are intimate, it is so very intimate that it can’t be shared in public. It would be like having sex with my darling in the middle of a Mall.
There is the “public” way that Hunny and I interact, and then there is the private. It is definitely very different. And I’m sure you know that from your own relationships.
Corporate is public. And there is simply no way around that.
I understand that if I had stayed in a corporate setting, I might have learned how to “do it” in public. But the ironic thing is that is exactly who I used to be. I craved the corporate worship. It was where I felt Him the strongest. I’d dance and sing at the top of my lungs (and feet). And if I fell on the floor, I’d lay there and enjoy it.
But it changed. When I left the corporate, I went inward to Father intensely. He was all I had. Just Him and me. Totally alone together. I leaned on Him exclusively. I got no input from anyone else. Not even Hunny.
Now, please understand this. I have no aversion whatsoever for corporate worship. Not at all. I appreciate anyone who can throw everything aside and enjoy it. It’s an amazing thing! Enjoy!
But I will stay on my deck, staring at the mountains, talking to Father in visions. There is nothing He doesn’t know about me there. I don’t have to dress-up (proverbially) or dress-down. Here I am as I am.
I hope you will not take offense to my life because, truly it is so amazingly beautiful. And I would enjoy sharing it with you. I love having visitors.
But I will mostly talk to Father alone. And that is simply because I’m naked in front of Him. And I really don’t want to be naked in front of you. If you don’t mind.
I’ll freely tell you about things we say. Most of the things we say. But maybe not all. And that’s just because some of those things don’t have anything to do with you.
I adore you. I love to interact with you. And you are such a joy to me. Maybe one day we will meet. Maybe I’ll come to a conference just to see everyone… and then leave. Ha! That sounds weird, but it would make me so happy! Hugs and kisses, ya’ll!
Thank you for joining me on this transparent revelation of myself. I send blessings with you on your journey.
Faith.
brilliant …
Thank you!
I SO get this. Because of my son’s violent illness we didn’t attend church for 5 years. (We still don’t much because the situation is still here.) It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Then God brought a small house church that came along and enveloped me and my isolated weary family, and that’s been the best thing that ever happened to us since that one above.
Love your writing. ❤️
Bless you, Bryn, and thank you. I still hold Carson in my heart. He is so very loved.
This is me, word for word! Very encouraging so thanks for putting it all into words that describe exactly how it is for me as well. I am unable to hear the LORD in the noise and hullabaloo of some corporate gatherings and find it’s in the ‘quiet’ where I meet with HIM the best. Blessings!
Excellent.. Sums me up too. Thanks for this. I dont feel so alone now.
Whew. Thanks, Faith. You said it so well. xox Saralou
YES … I received the same revelation back in 1989 and came to a deeper-higher place of intimacy-union as well … around the same time, I also I heard something to the effect, “Prince Phillip and Princess Diana have a Public relationship the world receives glimpse of and a private one that only those most intimate with them have access to. Even their most Private ones are not ones which those who reside in the Kingdom with them are privy to. Guard our most intimate moments, they are not meant for others, just as mine with them are not meant for you to know of.”
Wow, how I love that description! Thank you for sharing that, Bren!
I can relate to this, and you said it well. I’m even a worship leader! Yet I don’t do as well in corporate settings as when alone with the Lord. If I *have* to be in a large group setting, I rather be providing the musical atmosphere–because in these situations my focus is so completely on the Father and hearing whatever is on His heart to release through music and song. When in corporate settings, I find it near impossible to push past the distractions and connect with God versus alone with Him.
This also encourages me because our small but close-knit house of prayer just moved out of our “corporate” building and away from Sunday meetings into home gatherings during the week. I think it will be a beautiful thing because I will have that alone time with Abba on my own, as well as intimate community with a handful of others similar to Acts 2:42-47. Most tasks involved in corporate meetings will be unneeded, along with the distraction they can cause.
Thank you for sharing your heart so freely.
You’re welcome. And thank you for sharing your thoughts. Father definitely seems to be moving in a different way with this. He wants this intimacy. And we need it. Thanks.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You took away the sense of guilt and dilemma I had over experiencing this revelation, but thinking that it was wrong to live in accordance with it. Thank you.
I’m finding out that we aren’t alone in this, Rahj. Father is spreading Himself out in us. And it’s so, so good!
I get it.
🙂
excellent Faith!! you always sum things up and it sure helps me and i’m sure many others …church world cannot give what He can…no matter how much we try, it’s hard to get lost in His arms when others are buzzing around you…i don’t mean that to be mean, i just find it difficult to enter into “intimacy” while worrying if i lift my arms will i hit the person next to me (ok, adding dramatics lol)…but oh so true…you nailed it once again…and again, i say , “thank you”…you’re a rare breed…so glad i found you 😉
Love you, Joann. Thank you once again for your beautiful words. Hugs.
Wow! Yes! I felt the same way when some of my tribe was heading to the conference. He woos me in the quiet, and I give my best gifts to him privately. I had no desire to go, but to see people I love. I was there in spirit. I loved seeing people I adore meet and hear the amazing speakers. I am excited for my friend to return to my town and will so enjoy hearing her process of things and the keys He gave her. This more precious than the thing. Your loved ones heart expanding for more of Him. U will hear a thousand stories and never tire of His testimony in each of my gorgeous friends and family. I feel to hear someone’s heart in what they processed is sweeter, and easier than attending right now when my desire us at a flat out NO for corporate setting.
Totally understand, Liz. Thank you for sharing that.