When both my parents died, I was in my late twenties and living in Denver, a thousand miles away from any family. Aside from the tremendous mourning, I gradually discovered an ironic freedom. A life without parental expectations, judgments, or disappointments. It’s true that the price for it was the loss of their companionship and wisdom.

But there it was. My new reality. A future I could paint whatever color I chose. And if it was the wrong color, no one would suffer but me. Plus, I could change my mind and choose another color as many times as I wanted.

Waking up to this kind of freedom is rather heady, and even a bit frightening. For a while, I told friends that I was an orphan. Or that I was like a helium balloon and someone had cut the string.

Truthfully, I hadn’t been aware of unspoken expectations until they were gone. Suddenly questions that had never been answered loomed as possibilities before me. I could chase their answers into whatever corners they were hiding.

And maybe I could divorce this man I’d married at 17. I didn’t really like him but being from a good Christian family, we simply didn’t get divorced willy-nilly for no better reason than “I just don’t like him”. And truthfully there was a lot more in that marriage not to like but those issues were too shameful to let my folks know about.

Looking back, I realize that my Christian background was especially good in some ways, and especially restricted in others. I don’t resent it, nor do I put it on a pedestal. My parents had done their best, to be honest, faithful, loving people. And I idolized them. But now they were gone. And no one was watching.

Remember the movie “Home Alone”? Yeah, my life turned into a scary, hilarious, heartbreaking, and passionate jumble. I was on the mountain one day and hitting the ground hard on the next. It’s amazing that my 3 kids are the awesome people they turned out to be. I knew I wasn’t being the perfectly stable Mom but I still asked Father to make sure they always knew they were loved and that they didn’t suffer too much on my adventure.

I’m sharing this today because I found myself outside the Christian box almost without even trying. I didn’t turn away from God, but I took him with me on my adventure outside. And I dabbled in a whole lotta things out there.

But I’ll never forget the day when he told me he was right there with me when I shuffled those Tarot cards. He said he’d been to hell before and he wasn’t afraid to go with me on those foray’s downward. Plus, he’d still be there when I soared to the top.

I said to him, “I just wanna know why Christian’s are so scared of things, and whether it’s warranted.” And he answered, “OK, Go find out. I’ll go too.”

Fast forward. The adventure kinda ruined me for standard Christianity. A whole bunch of Truth doesn’t live inside that building. But I can guarantee you that it does Live and breathe and have its Being. And ironically, I know that with unshakable surety.

Blessings on your path of mountain tops and hells. He’s right there with you.

Faith