Just thinking about all the loved ones I’ve lost…beginning as early as 5 yrs old when my sister died. Then 15 yrs old when my grandpa died. And 27 yrs old when my Momma died.
In the last 4 yrs alone, I’ve lost the sweetest sister-in-law, 2 sisters, a favorite cousin…and finally the hardest of all…the Great Love of my life.
But let me tell you this story about when my brother died about 15 yrs ago. It hit me hard, overwhelming my emotions. So, I went directly to a chair on the deck because it was obvious I wouldn’t be able to handle anything that day. I sat there almost the whole day crying and sobbing.
This morning upon waking, I was engulfed in a bizarre disorientation. As though I had been so deeply asleep that I was actually somewhere else and had to be pulled back abruptly. It was unnerving. Even a bit frightening. Because whatever I’d been dreaming, or wherever I was, it was now a complete mystery. I could remember nothing. As though I’d been drugged.
I began talking to Father and slowly orienting my mind back to the Identity he’s been reminding me of lately. Like the small vision of the gown I wear spiritually. Every exquisite detail describes a piece of my character, personality, gifts, and strengths. It also displays how deeply treasured I am in Father’s eyes. And it is a platform Father uses almost as an advertisement to others.
Lifting the head of my bed to a semi-sitting position, I got comfortable in the hospital room and settled down to stare out the huge windows. Pikes Peak loomed before me with the front range spread out paying homage to its regal pose.
I hadn’t requested a view or even a private room, but I got both and considered myself blessed by Father. He was trying to make this as easy as possible. So I sat in humble gratefulness and drank in the after-sunset panorama. The hustle and bustle had gone from the room, and the lights were turned off. I glanced at the TV and sneered. No way could it compete with what stood before me at the windows.
Today I saw them clearly. The cardboard walls I’d erected. The styrofoam insulation I’d posted. It was natural to put them up and attach them securely. Who wouldn’t after being hunted, stalked, bushwhacked, and attacked on every sly and sleazy level?
But it’s all over now. Every enemy is gone. Vanquished. And every reason they had to destroy me is gone too. I have no enemy behind the gate or at the door.
I AM free! And what a different kind of freedom it is. It is clean air to breathe. A clear and empty road ahead. Byways are my playground now. I can stop to smell the roses and not need to guard from the secret arrow.
It’s what Father spoke to my heart on a particularly hard day. I wasn’t handling grief well. Rather, I was sinking deeper into its pit of heartache. And it was actually hurting me. That’s when I knew it was doing damage to my body and I would suffer more than heartbreak.
When they say heartbreak, remember that there are hormones speeding to your heart and they are doing what you’re saying. They are breaking your heart.
Don’t forget that. Ever. That word is your clue to stop doing what you’re doing in that moment. And if you don’t know how, cry out to Father. He always knows.
So, when I cried out to him, it wasn’t minutes later that friends pulled up to visit. Friends are amazing. They love you and want to know everything. And still love you. Then you can laugh and discuss other things that change the landscape of your thoughts. It’s wonderful
After they left, those black hooks of grief were swirling around my head threatening to gash me some more. But no sooner did I notice them than a friend called. And once again I was swept away in the love and the different landscape of reality.
Not only was I learning new things, but also resurrecting some old ones. It was so easy to see now. I AM is a new me. And will continue being ever newer with each day that passes.
Father said something that resulted in a breakthrough for me. It happened during one of those dark, dismal days when sadness gripped me firmly.
I no longer see anything in any relationship as fair/right. It is purely humans interacting from their Being. Whether it’s fair or right is irrelevant. The better question to ask is “Is this damage within them? Are they accepting it as permanent? Or are they working on it? And should I leave the association because it’s above my “pay grade” to understand or assimilate healing for them?”
We can only make this decision ourselves. And subsequently, go through the learning process to achieve our decision because it will be full of faltering steps until we fully succeed.
This is my first Podcast. I’m doing these myself, so they aren’t professional…yet, but I will get better as I continue. For now, I’m not promising a regular schedule but I’m going to shoot for once a week. Blessings my friends. Faith
This is an odd little story, I think. But after Father said to me, “I think it’s time for you to let go of Hunny” he followed that with “It’s time to love yourself that way. After all Hunny is IN you with me”.
Well, that was profound to me and somehow for the first time in my life, it felt like I might actually be able to do this thing I’d been working so hard to achieve for a very long time. Loving me. Just me as I am. But it didn’t work at all like I thought it would. It was a very relaxing thing. No hard work at all. And weirdly, I suddenly appreciated this reaction of rest within myself.
These days I’m asking myself what I want to be when I grow up and then have no clue. I resort to asking, “Where am I?” And of course, soon, Father reminds me that it’s always simple… I AM.
That statement seems to open a door in my mind which sets my spirit to painting. It paints on my “imagination” canvas like a Tasmanian devil. First one scene, then another, and another. They flip by so fast! And I can grasp any one of these fleeting images out of the air as they flit by. The choice is mine. Any one of them. Or more. Choose.
