Lurking stealthily in the back corner of my mind was guilt over Hunny’s passing. I could have done my caregiving differently, more quickly, more intelligently, or more effectively. The fear monster was waiting to pounce. Waiting for the death certificate to show that I had failed.

So, I went to Father pleading for my absolution or avoidance. I didn’t know how to combat this demon.

As a result, a video about complicated guilt popped into my feed and I watched it. It shined a light into my dark place. This wasn’t a new thing but rather an old one from another death that haunted me. It had been Hunny’s mother 20 years ago and I had been her caregiver. As I am now, I’d wondered if I’d done it wrong.

. . . . . . .

Suddenly as I began sobbing under the weight of this unfair, unresolved guilt, Father broke into my thoughts. I felt his presence of Peace enveloping me as he spoke. It’s hard to mistake that great Peace when it moves in.

“I don’t care about this death, nor the last one. You see, from my perspective… life on earth is a mere stepping in and stepping out. It’s only your perspective of limitations that fills you with death’s importance. The truth about Hunny and his mother was that they each were on their way already. Their spirit had been gearing up to step out and if you had understood the signs you were seeing in them, you’d have known they were leaving and possibly accepted it differently. It didn’t matter if you’d prevented it from happening at that moment, there would have been another and another. They were leaving. And you could never have prevented them from doing so. At least not legally considering their rights. So, you can’t take responsibility for it.”

The effect of his words took all the air out of my guilt balloon. It didn’t have a leg to stand on. So, I felt it dissipating from my subconscious knowing this particular one would not be back.

Now, what does this mean about people who have risen from the dead or in other ways returned? I don’t know except I’d have to guess that the timing was wrong. They weren’t supposed to leave yet. And we’re supposed to be attuned to the “knowing” for the difference. Some call it discernment. This life isn’t immortal. We already have one of those. And there’s so much more for us outside this skin. So, stay and learn the lessons agreed upon, but then exit appropriately at the proper time. And instead of fixating on this one timetable, consider the eternal one.

. . . . . . .

As I remember the previous weeks before Hunny left, I studied him at various times as he nodded off. He looked different somehow and I couldn’t put a finger on it. He caught me once and asked why I was staring at him. And I’d said that it seemed like he was fading. He blew it off, but his demeanor continued.

As a matter of fact, when the EMTs were wheeling him out on the gurney, I said to one of them, “He’s checking out, isn’t he?” And of course, they deflected nicely but my heart and spirit knew that he was already gone. It was just that tiny, flimsy wish of hope that they could bring him back. But they don’t have that power very often. And thank God they don’t or they’d make everyone come back. Can you imagine the anger, confusion, and frustration in folks? It would be like being locked in school. Never going home. I think eventually there would be an uprising.

Even though the manner of his passing that evening was a shock to me, the reality of it coming had not been hidden from me. I had simply tried not to believe it and pushed it aside. Yep, we all do those things.

But as I exited the back door to move the car for the ambulance, I told Father, “I’m so tired. I surrender.” Not realizing that Hunny now had an open door. I wasn’t blocking it anymore.

It’s ironic how they leave as soon as we leave the room. Yes, we do have the power to hold them. It’s in our spirit and our heart. And without awareness, we don’t try to control it. Often we’re taught that we’re actually supposed to do it simply because Jesus said to raise the dead. They think that’s everyone. But imagine if everyone had been raised since the beginning!!

. . . . . . .

My emotions can be a little unpredictable right now, I’ve noticed. It’s primarily when I feel overloaded. Then my responses get edgy and sharp. I’m working on that. It might not even be associated with Hunny’s exit but something I’ve noticed happening more and more in me during the past few months. Heck, maybe it’s always been there and I’m just now being aware because my self-awareness lens has been amplified. Funny thing about having time on your hands…lots of introspection.

Onward to the next thing, which is already knocking at the door. But it doesn’t matter, Father (and Hunny, now) have a little light for each one of those tormentors. I trust.

Thank you for sharing my journey.

Faith