What’s my view about aging? Well, I have several opinions about it. But I didn’t know that I needed to find the core of what my spirit knows to be true.
There are a few different views about aging and death in Christianity and nonChristianity. So, for me, it’s been like walking through a thick forest, looking and listening for the truth that I will live.
If you saw “Bird Box” with Sandra Bullock, then you’ll have an idea of what it has felt like to navigate this new era of life. I can’t find the truth by simply looking with my eyes. That can actually be the most deadly thing to do!
Instead, I’ve been feeling my way through the trees…using instinct, Spirit, as my only guide. And that’s challenging. Like moving to a foreign country where the basics of life might be the same; air, food, water, and sunshine. But they exist in different terrain, customs, and language. It takes time to learn how to do it best. A way that will lead to satisfaction and groundedness again.
seeking
Jesus may not have experienced aging, but he experienced death. And he demonstrated a couple of specific things about it.
He had choices. Death wasn’t the boss of “when” he would die. And his body wasn’t in charge of “how” he would die. Even though the body is biological, Jesus wasn’t subject to its limitations. I think its pertinent.
I’ve noticed that while people claim to leave the timing and manner of death in God’s hands, or to natural laws, or to chance, those are actually empty claims. They still choose all the time, without the slightest awareness that they are doing so. Like a horse wearing blinders, they keep saying the words of their chosen belief, but all the while doing something else. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?
For instance, my brother-in-law believed we have no choice in the time or method of death and he had no hope in God. Shortly after he lost his wife, children, and home, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given an estimated 3-6 months to live. However, he lived almost a full year. It was 1999 and he had one secret desire to see the year 2000. And he passed on January 6th, 2000.
He behaved like he had no reason to live anymore. No goals or dreams or plans. He acted done. Empty. Finished. A choice he made whether consciously or unconsciously. He thought he’d left it to chance, but in effect, he chose to begin dying and the means didn’t matter. He was checking out.
My Daddy did it too. After Momma passed, he began that steady decline and left the earth one year later, to the day. And he was a preacher who believed that God was in charge. But he didn’t want to live without Momma.
We choose. All the while, we claim belief in not being able to choose. Like ostriches with our heads in the sand.
choosing
Last August, I was extremely sick. And while I was sleeping one afternoon, I profoundly heard the words, “You are dying”.
I’m going to describe the rest of that experience in more spiritual language because it fits the best.
After I heard the voice, which was like an announcer, it felt as though there was silence in heaven. I had the choice of whether to agree or not. And I pondered it while heaven waited for me. I was aware that Father God wouldn’t love me any more or any less for either choice. He just waited while I pondered.
Physically and emotionally, I was so tired of fighting the good fight to stay alive. And in that silence, I was seriously tempted. It would be so easy. So simple to slip out of this body. Easy peasy. Ahhh. Just like that. And I almost started to say “yes”.
But then, it was as though Jesus stepped up and pointed to my life. Not obtrusively, but rather as a friend nudging my arm to look. So I considered our little family and how much harder Hunny’s life would be carrying our responsibilities alone. I remember considering whether I could make it easier for him by leaving a Blessing. One that simply said it would be easy. And Father seemed to nod that I could do so if I chose. The decision still came down to the bottom line. Me. What did I want for myself?
Suddenly from deep down inside me a “NO!” burst out. And I stood inside that word as though it were a sudden single spotlight on a stage. And Father said, “You will live”.
my choice
It was a simple statement. There was more “Life” I could do. Not because I had a big mission to accomplish, or something spectacular to do, or some big message to spread. Just Life. That’s all. To Live and enjoy Being.
That moment marked a turning point after I woke. I was not instantly healed, but I slowly got better. I was still struggling with the good fight, but I had decided it was still worth doing.
Of course, there are a million stories of death experiences and this one is just mine. It was part of my journey and I thought I’d share it because someone will find comfort in it.
I’m not alive because I chose certain things to believe. Beliefs live in our brains. The choice of Life is much deeper than our brains. It comes from the deepest heart. A place where we are stripped of all doctrine and theology and stand naked before Life, the Universe, Father God. THAT is the true me. And it’s the part of me that made that choice that day.
I believe it is the same place inside each of us. And I have a sneaky suspicion that we make other choices from there, too. Choices to live well, or badly.
We can try to influence that place with tons of affirmations and beliefs. We do it all the time. Trying to turn the rudder of the ship, with loud shouting from our gray matter, about our decisions and assertions. All the while, this core of us, isn’t influenced a great deal by our attempts to manipulate it.
the core
I think this is the I AM. The throne.
The truest part of me lives in this core and now exists inside an aging body with my brain trying to understand how I AM wants to do this. Who will I be, while I’m BEing? And what kinds of things will I want to do from this new place?
You may laugh or at least chuckle a little, but so far in my seeking out this issue, I AM very simply, only wants to create…things. With paint, with wood, with stones, with food, and with words. It is the most basic instinct, I think, of living life on earth. To be creative.
Is it selfish? Or self-centered without concern for others. You may ask, what about the poor and hungry? Why aren’t you driven to work on their behalf?
And suddenly, I understand why Jesus said,
“…you always have the poor with you; but you will not always have Me.” Matt. 26:11
Therefore, I don’t think that my beliefs are more than mildly applicable. I AM seems to overrule my brain whenever necessary. And my brain can scramble trying to catch up later.
Thank you for letting me share my insights. I hope they are a blessing to you in your journey.
Faith