Who is God? Is he the same as he was 5, 10, or 15 years ago? And if not, isn’t it because your perception of him changed?

These are rhetorical questions meant to cause you to ponder how great those changes have been inside yourself and where you view him in relation to yourself now. I mention it because of the vastness of change that I’m aware of within myself.

No, I don’t actually think he changed in the tiniest. He was always who he is. And he knows exactly who he is. There is no glimmer of doubt in him.

Oh, but the glimmers of doubt I have had are without number. They are vast. And each of them occurred in the midst of tremendous trauma. It astounds me when I recall them and their magnitude. As I’m sure yours do to you.

Oh my, the changes each one brought in me in my character and in my ability to face trauma now.

the past

I pulled my old Bible from its perch on top of my desk. And I opened it to wherever it would fall freely. It was the descriptive pages just before the Book of Jonah and I began reading a bit but was distracted by the disformity in the page’s paper. What was that?

Oh, I remember now! Those were great, huge, elephant tears I had sobbed as I felt completely emptied and ravaged by the trauma I endured at that time many years ago. I remember it clearly as though I could step into that moment now.

The dark clouds of my soul were as black as the storm swirling around me in the sky. It was one of those breath-holding tempests involving my life or death.

I know you’ve had those too.

But this article isn’t about that storm nor the miraculous thing that happened after. It’s about who God is in the blackest moments when we can’t see an inch in front of our faces.

We are alone. Completely alone. There’s no one for hugs or tissues to wipe our tears.

the present

Well, think about the fleeting glimpse of trauma that flits by your imagination lately when you focus on the state of our world.

I know you pull back from it and remember Father is beside you. Other like-minded people are out there. Maybe you even remember that the pendulum swings both ways. So it’s time to hunker down, pray, and wait for the crescendo which finally breaks the swing and begins its swing in the other direction.

Some of you think that crescendo has come and the change has begun. It will be miraculous and life will be good again.

But in my experience during those innumerable traumas, it isn’t quite that simple. Rather, the swing is completely, and widely erratic. It involves more than one moment when all can be lost.

The job of waiting, praying, and hoping, is long and hard. Very hard. And during the worst of it, sometimes it’s the most menial thing that breaks our hypnosis on the heartache. For me during the tear-stained pages incident, it was simply that I had to go pee. It was annoying! And I tried to ignore it. But there’s just no ignoring a full bladder.

It was after relieving myself and stepping out the door again that the miraculous came crashing into view so spectacularly that my brain was on full stop. I was awe-struck!

The trauma had not been resolved. The concern and the hard work were not finished. But in the midst of despair, Father reminded me of how powerful he is. And he silenced my mind.

The dark nights of the soul rarely simply get fixed and float easily off into the sunset. This is LIFE. And the only garden of Eden we’re going to find here will be while we stand in his presence.

the perspective

It changes our perspective.

If the traumas are wiping you out, go stand in his presence until you are speechless. Those traumas will still be there when you are done, but it’s like resurrection. You’ll be strong again. Able to walk forward another day.

Now, back to the question “who is God”. Did he change from the beginning of the trauma until standing in his presence? No. I did. I saw him differently. I’ve changed through every one of those traumas and so has my perspective of him.

My perception of him underwent another radical change within the last 3 years as I struggled with serious health situations. Another form of tremendous trauma.

Somewhere in the middle when I felt the darkest, blackness of soul, I wondered where he was this time and wondered if I hadn’t pushed him so far away this time that I couldn’t reach him.

We can never push him that far away. Not ever. He’s not the religious authoritarian that he was for me many years ago. Nor is he a product of history or of fables and myths. I don’t think I can adequately wrap him up in a neat description anymore. He’s simply an amazing mystery that is part of me. And carries the power of the universe. A mystery that I’m closer to than my brother.

the conclusion

I don’t know how it works but I’m not going to try to put him in a nice, neat box anymore. He’s too big for it. I don’t know where this world is going. I just know I’m simply going to go if he says go and stay as long as he says stay. It’s not about authoritarianism, it’s about him being able to see farther.

I’m simply going to LIVE again. With him always here. Always mine. And always more powerful than any other power ever created.

And that is who God is for me.

Faith