These past few months have been a “going through the fire” episode for me, which might explain why I haven’t posted. Honestly, much of the time, I simply didn’t know what to say. And in other parts, it seemed too bizarre to share, especially when I didn’t understand it fully myself.

Ironically, I thought I was finished with the “fire” series this year and was ready to head into the green pastures of the valley. But that wasn’t the case.

Health challenges, some of them with life-threatening proportions loomed over me. And I wasn’t handling them conventionally. Oh, I considered that direction seriously, more than once, and then resorted each time, to my usual. Only Father.

Today, as I privately reacted rather negatively to the news that a close relative was “going in for testing”, I realized profoundly, maybe truly for the first time….that I am weird. And that I need to keep silent about it or I will incur the anger of others.

I did not “go in for testing” for any of my issues. And I realize now that it has simply been too many years of leaning solely on Father for answers…that has conditioned me to trust him more implicitly than anyone. Any so-called expert. And that isn’t because of my stubbornness. Nor from my narrow faith. But simply because he has proven himself to me 100% in EVERY CRISIS I’VE EVER FACED.

And to be honest with you….no Doctor has ever done that. Not one. And I’ve had a few good ones through the years.

NO DOCTOR?

There was that moment recently when I thought, “Well, you’re gonna have to go in for this and that and the other.” It seemed like the logical, typical, conventional solution. But in the next minute I heard Father’s gentle voice asking, “OK. You don’t think I can do this one?” And it felt as though he was taking a step back in order to let me trust someone else.

Suddenly, I knew that I couldn’t do it. And if for no other reason than that we have come this far together. I just can’t do it. I can’t change our “Way” together. Why would I? To save my life? LOL!!!!! Oh, you have no idea how many times he’s saved my life…..and done it every time. Who else would do that repeatedly, reliably, and “without the smell of smoke afterward”?

He’s ruined me! And I told him so this morning when I said, “Well, you know this weird person I’ve become is completely on you!”

HOW DO I EXPLAIN?

So, how do you explain that to relatives and friends who love you? “Oh, by the way, I have this life-threatening situation and I’m going to let Father lead me through it without Doctors over the next few months.”

Imagine what that reaction would be like!!!

Yep, there’s no sharing that kind of information. Not at all.

Hunny knows all about it of course….but then he’s in the same boat. Trusting Father unconditionally. And unconventionally.

But yeah, I know, that part about trusting Father seems to be a real conundrum to people…even Christians. They’ve simply never experienced what that’s like. Sincerely.

It is scary sometimes. Like, “am I a cult unto myself, like Jim Jones?” And Fear takes over and torments me unrelentingly. Confusion likes to step in and have it’s hey-day also. There’s simply no describing the “hell” that ensues. It is definitely horrendous. I will “give” you that one for sure!

But Father is there. Every step of every flame, every burning coal, every doubt, every Fear, every nightmare, every demon, everything. There is nothing he won’t go through with me. So, even in those hellacious moments when I’m sizzling in the fire, I know this is a “hold-on” moment. “Endure until the end.” “Don’t jump and run off into something that could be a worse part of the fire in the end.”

It’s h-a-r-d! Real HARD!

AND THEN THERE’S SOMETHING

I still cry and scream out, “Father, please help me! I’m not doing this well at all! I’m scared!”

That’s when he sends me….something. And every time it’s different. It could be a Word, or a sensation of Peace, or… oh my, any number of amazing ways he has given me another knot in my last rope.

But that knot isn’t my salvation from the whole season…it’s just for that particular battle. It’ll get me through that one. Then tomorrow I’ll face another one….and I’ll need another knot. They’re like manna you know. They’re only good for one day.

This whole scenario is complete Nuts to the conventional! And there is simply no explaining it in a way that anyone will rationally understand.

I’m weird. And its because Father walks outside the box. He doesn’t fit very well inside the conventional. Never has. And probably never will.

So, I’m happy to say that I’m on the upside of this thing. With his guidance, I have found the things I need to heal. And that is exactly what is happening.

A couple days ago, as I was getting dressed, he said, “You’re healing, now”. And I knew it was true. That is exactly where I’m at….and oh, it feels so good.

Honestly, I’d so much rather do it this way. I don’t know how to explain why….except to say….this is about LOVE. And that feels so good.

ABUSIVE?

Does this whole scenario seem abusive to you? I wouldn’t doubt that. Because it is! It is the “hell-on-earth” side of life. And Father wants to take me through each level so I can gain victory and discover the “heaven-on-earth” side of life.

Oh yeah, it is a real thing. But it isn’t just a Christmas present brought by Santa Claus. It’s a journey of discovery and overcoming in order to grasp and claim the prize. It’s a walk through the hellish corners in order to transform them.

The prize isn’t free.

But it’s worth every moment!

Blessings,

Faith