It feels a bit odd to me this morning, that I dreamt such a powerful vision. So real that I could feel the timbre of his voice. And how it radiated something inexplicable. So, I will share it with you, mostly. There are sacred parts that can’t be shared, of course.

In my dream/vision, I was involved in a deep, fully enveloping conversation. And I believe it was Hunny, but could have easily been Jesus, or Father. The nature of the thing seemed to be of all their characters combined.

REALITY

I saw the moment at his wedding to ‘her’ which I had attended many years ago. It was early in our friendship and he had asked me to befriend his fiance who was new to our state. So, I was in her dressing room before the wedding, along with her sister. And during the conversations there, I heard that her motive for marriage was regaining custody of her children. I was naively shocked. People should only get married for love.

Hunny (he was not my Hunny yet) knocked on the door of that dressing room to request that I come out and pin his boutonniere on him. It seemed a bit odd that he asked for me, but I went into the hallway and proceeded.

That moment pulsed loudly in my ears as though heaven’s heartbeat were amplified and all of the creation paused in silence, waiting for what we’d say. I pinned his lapel as I heard his soft breathing and felt his chest rise and fall. What could I say? Did he know she had a motive other than love?

Finally, I finished, patted the thing gently, and asked, “Are you happy?”

He responded almost nonchalantly, “Happy? Sure. Why not?” And I was shocked again. Neither of them was in love.

“It is your wedding day. You should be happy.” I insisted.

“OK. Sure,” he responded.

And after a puzzling moment’s pause in which I felt the urge to wrap my arms around his neck, we each turned and left. I, with turbulent emotions wracking my soul.

Tears were hard to fight during the ceremony and then splashed over my lids while I drove to the reception. I tried desperately to leave early but he saw me and wouldn’t relinquish…until after several drinks.

CONVERSATION

In the dream/vision, I heard him say, “Everything would have changed if you had.” And I saw it clearly as though laid out in a panoramic view.

If I had wrapped my arms around his neck, we would not have stayed in that hallway. I wasn’t sure if we went to another room to talk, or stepped down the hallway to the back door. Either way, he would have been an absent groom. I knew this because he had told me years later when I asked, “What would you have done if I’d hugged you?” And he’d answered, “I’d have left with you.”

DREAM/VISION

Suddenly, I saw the next few years and the awkward dancing we did around each other. None of that would have happened. None of his damage from that marriage, nor my trauma from taking so long to end my current marriage.

If I had just followed my impulse that day. We’d have skipped so much suffering.

But I was already married. The impulse was wrong in my righteous book. I couldn’t let myself do this wrong thing.

And yet now, in the dream/vision, I could see so clearly how much heartache would have been avoided.

Really? We should just follow our hearts on such an impulse? How irresponsible! I mean people already leave marriages at the drop of a hat. What was this conversation implying?

UNDERSTANDING

It was about understanding.

If I had understood Hunny back then, I’d have known that hugging him at that moment was the only right thing to do. If only I’d known the manipulation he received at the hands of women. And if only I could have seen that it was what caused him to resort to a cynical philandering alcoholic for several years.

And if I’d understood myself, then I’d have stopped fighting the inevitable end of my marriage in which I cried every night, begging God to save me.

But I didn’t have that understanding. Not then. It took me years to acquire it. So many years.

THE POINT

So, what was the point of this dream/vision? What would it accomplish now, so many years after the fact? What was the lesson? Of 20/20 hindsight?

The heart. That’s it. It’s so much more knowledgeable than we give it credit. And when we consider that we’ve taken Bible verses at their literal meaning to deride our hearts, well, the tragedy is all the more atrocious.

When Hunny and I came together at the correct time when divorces were final or at least pending, our consciences could be clear.

And that is something. Isn’t it? A clear conscience.

Yes, it is something. Something very important to our mental health.

But the question for me that hung hauntingly in the air is, did those lost years actually change my conscience? If I had followed my heart, would my conscience have been guilty?

I’ve told myself all these years that it was the crucial thing, but purely honestly, I don’t think it was. I think I gave legal divorce a weight of importance that it never deserved. Much like we often underplay love until marriage takes place. It’s a legalistic doctrine that undermines Spirit.

RELIGIOSITY

If I had been able to shed my religiosity more quickly in life, so many things would have been different. I chuckle at how stubbornly I held to beliefs that I’ve long since tossed into a firey bottomless pit. What a waste of time.

But so many of those scales didn’t fall off my eyes easily. They stole many of my years and I wonder if my journey to earth wasn’t primarily in learning how to shed them. After all, I can be righteously rigid when I want to be.

I even chuckle that I wore a white dress at my first wedding. It was exactly appropriate because I was a virgin and proud of it. And though I still do not advocate promiscuity, I understand human behavior a little better. There aren’t lines, rather there are territories to cross.

What crown did I receive for wearing a white dress? What reward came my way? Not one. No one clapped their hands with pride. It didn’t even slightly perfect that marriage. He was a replacement of sorts for my dad. Except without a faithful heart and mind.

IF ONLY

Oh, if only. And then I laugh because the story has already been told on earth. It is finished. The ending came. And we may not have been able to treasure all the years we could have, but we finally received Father’s gift. And oh, what a joy it was!

Would we have gotten to it sooner if I’d followed my heart earlier? Maybe. It seems probable. But we’ll only know for sure in an alternate universe in which we lived it.

Maybe Hunny has seen that alternate universe and that’s why he told me about it in my dream/vision. To torture me with doubts and regrets? No, not at all. Rather to show me how profound we were, even back then. Even in that moment when I was pinning his boutonniere, listening to his breath, feeling his chest rise and fall. Even then the burning promise of our hearts’ resonations didn’t die.

It lives on…and will always find a way. Even…now.

Faith