Oh my, I have discovered so many scary monsters living in the depths of my subconscious since Hunny left. They are not his fault. They are simply an accumulation of thoughts and ideas I collected through the years but never had to confront because they regarded being widowed. And I was not one…until now.

The first one, of course, was the confrontation with the monster “what if my decisions are not good ones without him?” This was harder than you may think. Especially if you’ve had that “other” beside you for a very long time. Always there to bounce ideas with. Often interjecting them even before being asked. Lol. Sometimes insisting on their own perspective which may or may not be your idea of a good one. But regardless of the input…it is input. It is there. A constant. A voice now quiet. And the only answer to the question of whether my decisions are good without him is to reassess myself. My worthiness as a stand-alone, a highly capable singular person who was filled with another’s wisdom for a long time and is now the One. A very capable person. Smart enough to ask the right people when additional information is required. Yes. I am.

. . . . . . . . .

My next monster came from stories we’ve all heard about older folk being taken advantage of by con men and the unscrupulous. Am I vulnerable to this sort of thing more now because Hunny isn’t physically present? Could I be a victim? And of course, my children heard these stories too.

There is one other disastrous side to this monster. It’s the paranoia of being distrustful of every new person. It may not be obvious at first. But the mind is secretly searching and watching like a hawk. And if one of their ideas can be construed as manipulative…it will be.

We’re supposed to make new friends at this time to help fill the void. But how is that done when no one can be trusted? How will I ever trust anyone the way I trusted Hunny?

I went so far down this rabbit hole as to accuse a new friend of not only being dishonest with me but of not being aware of their subconscious and its manipulative plans toward me. It nearly destroyed our friendship because I am fairly stubborn when I believe. My friend kept asking why I was pushing them away. But I didn’t see it until another friend reiterated what was happening.

Oh my! The monsters that were living in my own head! Where did they come from? They were definitely not what I needed at this time in my life.

. . . . . . . . .

Then I saw it. A whole plethora of fears fed to us through the years which lay unseen until this worst of times.

I scrambled for some quick counseling and thankfully Father was prompt to supply. That voice came from one whom I trust implicitly and who knows me well and loves me more. So, I listened intently and learned things I’ve known for ages but need now to be active.

It was interesting to find out that at least for this space of my life, I needed to reassess and reaffirm my gifts and strengths because grief had decimated my confidence in them temporarily. And this temporary failure was assisting fear’s foothold.

So, I began saying these affirmations each morning and evening:

I am beautiful and desirable; I am intelligent and wise; I am loved beyond measure; I am strong, healthy, and able; and the maker of the Universe lives within me; therefore I am capable of great things and nothing can take that from me.

Each of these change and morph a little each day depending on what Spirit prompts me to say.

As a result of this experience, I’m giving a little more Grace to my assessment of people. Some of my judgments might be skewed based on hidden monsters lurking in the recesses of my mind. And until some time has passed, I don’t know if there are more of them waiting to pounce. I’m not afraid of them, and I’m more than capable of recategorizing, deleting, and editing. I’m also able to apologize deeply and sincerely when needed.

Thankfully, my new friend truly seems to understand and our friendship has strengthened, I believe.

. . . . . . . . .

An “I love you” isn’t always love-bombing as they call the insincere. It isn’t always meant to destabilize me and take advantage of me. Often “I love you” is sincere love offered from an honest heart. And it’s an amazing thing to receive during a time like this when the world feels peculiarly off balance.

Father has definitely not left me alone. Nor Hunny for that matter. And though it feels that way a lot of the time, I have more help than even I imagine. That help prompts me in more ways than one. Plus it catches me when I don’t see a pitfall right in front of me. It even loves me enough to send clear vision my way even when I don’t believe it. I’ve always said, Father loves us so much more than we give him credit.

He never leaves me to figure out a new territory on my own. He knows very well what monsters I will encounter and possibly even harbor. And he knows full well how to get my attention. Therefore, I truly have nothing to fear as I walk through this valley of death.

I’m surrounded by people who love me with all their hearts. Both here in this realm and in the one hidden from these eyes. Father, showed me that yesterday. I am loved greatly!

Faith