I’m reminded that what we see on one side of a mirror, the opposite is simultaneously happening on the other. The world has always been a dichotomy of this truth.

So, what is the opposite of this great wave of narcissism we see happening in our world? Well, I think it is a great wave of awakening of the truest self. The self made in the image of God. We are discovering it these days in a wave I don’t think has been seen before.

Lately, I’ve discovered this dichotomy in the mirror of love and hate in my life with Hunny. It’s been peeking around corners at me since Hunny’s transition. And I’ve been recognizing it yet wanting not to see it. Not now when I’m discovering ever deeper how amazing he was to me. I don’t want to see the other side too. But there it is. That dichotomy of truth.

So, I must face the light of truth in the mirror. Not just on the one side, but also on the other. As profound as our love was, so equally profound were the transgressions. Both sides unlike anything I’d ever known or imagined. Isn’t it the truth of all greatly passionate and yet youthfully naive humans? And isn’t it why we created the ancient stories of Greek and Roman mythological gods who were more passionate than life and yet naive as humans? We created mirrors of ourselves in those stories. Unbelievably wild and yet…so common.

Hindsight is always 20/20 they say. But of course it would be. And so it’s easy now for me to pull our life up onto my large mental screen and play the scenes over and over. Now that the play is finished here on earth. Yet, I’m not viewing it alone. He sees it too. Clearly.

And we ask those questions. Why did he do that? And why didn’t I do the other? The questions that don’t have definitive answers. Rather they open those proverbial layers of an onion. So packed full of multi-colored fibers. Of things impossible to have seen from inside those moments. And still impossible to explain now. It was all simply Us.

I can’t call some actions mistakes and others perfection. They were all exactly Us… playing out our great dance of relationship. One that I still admit…I’m in awe that we got to do it together.

In the first year of our marriage, I got a sinus infection and the doctor gave me some brand spanking new medications. Well, no one knew that some people would react fatally. Or that I would be one to reach that brink.

As I laid in bed, I woke for a moment one day and heard a voice in my head say, “You’re dying”. And I was. I didn’t know why. I just knew it was true and that I was too weak to even get up and call for help. So, I considered it and knew I was peaceful and ready. But there was a single lingering hesitation. I told Father about it this way. “I would have really liked to see what Hunny and I could have created together”.

Almost as though on cue, Hunny came through the door, pulled me out of bed into his arms and declared, “I’m taking you to my family’s doctor. Your doctors are killing you.”

As it turned out, his words were correct. They said I would have been gone that night if Hunny hadn’t brought me in.

So, I lived and I got to stay with him for a good long time. I know now what we could and did create together. And I can’t be more thankful. It was a most fabulous kaleidoscope of adventures, tragedies, and miracles.

While I ponder the mirror of Us, I’m not sure I understand the puzzles any better. But I’m even more assured that I would still choose and still prefer to have participated in the play with him. It was a deeply profound production, every adventure-packed minute. A masterpiece, for sure.

It crossed my mind to write a memoir. He always thought some parts would have been best-sellers which he eagerly encouraged me to write. And it’s not completely off the table. It’s just that some of the most heart moving things are simply too…sacred to share. I can’t throw those pearls into the mud of public possession.

Just now as I wrote those last sentences, Hunny’s chair creaked and moaned most definitely. It was the same way it sounded when he’d sit down. Then the light on my mouse began blinking inexplicably for several seconds without my touching it.

Hmm. Well, okay then. I guess there will be some upcoming conversations to be shared on this topic. 🙂

Until next time, blessings,

Faith