Sinking into the darkness of grief and surrender, I got a glimpse of the next level of Kingdom light within me. It was a shock I still don’t completely understand and grasp. But it has to do with finding Father down there in that darkness of total suffering. Standing right there in front of me. In a place that I didn’t know he could walk as easily as he does in the light. Then I realized that he owns this too. Nothing doesn’t belong to him.
So, down in the darkness we generally suffer. Yet we’ve discovered some hidden advantages. How can suffering entail anything good? I’ve wondered that often. But it has always been true in my life. When I’m suffering that’s when I end up taking a step inward toward eternity. A step that I can’t seem to take outside of suffering. I suspect it’s because we have such screwed-up perceptions of who and what and where God lives, which isn’t any different than people have been since the beginning. So we find him when we release the hold on our human concept and surrender fully to where and what and how he not only wants to Be but already IS.
But I will speak to this personally and not as a humanly universal thing that we all must do. Especially since none of us do anything the same way. Even this. And yet, ironically…the experience comes out the same.
Anyway, I had no idea I was holding on to a perception of Father that I wouldn’t release so he could Be, in my awareness, more of himself. There is ALWAYS more.
Finding the Kingdom and my Identity within me changed my world several years ago, and all my perceptions about how to do life on this earth with him. I saw it clearly and practiced those new perceptions every day. It was magnificent!
Then I thought I’d lost them. Like I couldn’t reach that sweet spot again. And like the manna from yesterday, it no longer worked for me today. I begged Father to get me back to that, where I was before.
But he didn’t want me to go back. He wanted me to step forward. Just as he had said to me a few weeks ago when he asked if I was ready.
I simply had no idea how to move forward. How do I do that? And the frustration was enormous.
But finally…as I sank so deeply there in the darkness…when the struggle was greater than my will…there he was, sitting quietly and silently. And I wouldn’t have noticed him so inconspicuously sitting in that dark corner if he hadn’t lightly tapped my shoulder. And almost inaudibly said, “Look”. Right there within my darkness. Sitting silently in that corner. Right there with me. Truth.
……..
I had lost myself in Hunny. Maybe “lost” isn’t the right word. I enveloped myself so in him. Eh, that’ll do. For I don’t believe that there is a word to describe what happens to two people who lived and loved together for as long as we did.
And though I’d never in a lifetime of lifetimes ever want to take one tiny iota of one moment away for I will treasure each one forever, there is a singular I AM in that mix. It’s the individual one who has been sounding their voice in the “mix” with another heart for so long that the sound of it now echoing alone in the canyon of despair is eerie and strange. Who is this one? What does that one have to say solo? And how does that one find their voice in this void?
Oh, what a frightening idea! What can my soul ever begin to imagine that I could share unaccompanied? How difficult is it for a singer to sing without instruments? Or a writer to write without paper? It’s not impossible, but it does require learning and practicing a strange and foreign technique. Lots of learning.
Meanwhile, he is never gone. His mark is indelible. The oneness is eternal. It can’t be erased. And it makes his presence known in the subtle strands of words I use that aren’t mine. They are his. Here within me. Still alive. Still aware.
So who am I now? It’s the loudest question echoing silently in the room.
Who is this one who is still also One. The One they’d created together.
What a dichotomy of impossibleness.
……..
But there it is…glaringly obvious…truth
She IS the One.
And she “walks in beauty like the night”.
Faith
She walks in beauty like the night
by Lord Byron
Of cloudless climes and starry skies
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express,
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!