Hunny said, “I don’t care” and it set me free from guilt.

Once again, as I traverse this road of hidden land mines and pits of destruction, Hunny has once again come to my rescue.

It happened last night as I stared down the demons of “was it my fault?” and “could I have done something more?”. These of course, have been hanging in the background since Hunny’s passing because I don’t have the death certificate yet. I don’t know what was put into that little space where it states “cause of death”. And I finally fell into that black hole of guilt begging Father not to let them put something on that line implicating my inadequacy and failure. “Please, Father, I can’t bear to think that it was my fault.”

Down that hole is desperation and torment. It’s unrelenting and unforgiving. So, I knew I couldn’t stay there. Rather, I had to face this ugliness and slay it. But how?

I went to Father…then inside him, I went to Hunny and bared my soul. “What will I do if it’s my fault?” And the tears ran hot down my face. Over my right shoulder I heard Father say, “And how many dozen reasons could you twist into your fault? Do you want it to be your fault? Will you settle for nothing less?” It was certainly a possibility for the mind definitely has it’s sly and horrid ways. And as I stared at Hunny, I said, “But what if it really was my fault?”

And then he said it in his authoritative, strong sureness. “I don’t care.” Behind him I saw the scenes of his suffering that had plagued him so intently. I’d known he wished often to go but chose to stay with me for so long. Then it went past unbearable and still he fought.

When the light came, I saw him rush into it’s loving, welcome peace. He didn’t care how he’d come to be there. He didn’t care because it didn’t matter. All that matters now is the Love…free from torment.

My guilt fell apart and its form flaked into ashes. It had no teeth to hurt me.

I love my Hunny and he loves me…unconditionally. Everyday he’s said it many times…and I still hear him saying it now. “I love you.”

The Sun has risen around him and will never set again.

I am loved and I am free from guilt.

Faith