This is going to be my advice to widows based on my one month experience as a widow and very little else.

First, I would recommend to everyone that an inner conversation should begin now, before anyone is gone. One question to ask is: “how do I want to react when it happens”. I say “when” because everyone faces the death of a partner. It’s reality. And the answer cannot be “I don’t want to think about that”. That answer will be to your peril. Face the demons within while you can escape them as needed in periodic breaks, but keep going back to face them until you can answer the question sufficiently enough to vaporize the demon.

I had this inner conversation off and on for several years but more intently in the past few months as it became a greater possibility. And I specifically faced those demons because I was afraid to. It’s the best reason of all. I know from experience that when I hide from the demons that scare me, the price later is worse than I imagined. But the price now is extremely less. That simple difference in price can make one rich…in Peace and trauma avoided. Well worth it. So, I tend to like to screw up my courage and face the demons within with an expectant relish. How much will conquering this one this time gain me?

Therefore, the conversation is first. And if your partner is already gone, ask this question quickly. See a picture of yourself. Is it acceptable to you? Then you’re done with this one.

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Second, is to try and set aside the emotions on a regular basis for a good piece of time. And do it thoroughly, not dishonestly. In other words, don’t play games with yourself. Especially during this time above all others. Be extremely, blatantly honest. Set the emotions aside and think purely, logically, even businesslike.

During this time, plan. Plan everything. How you want to see yourself behaving. How you want your state of financial affairs to progress. How you will handle cousin Jimmy. And what you must do logically to ensure your plan. This is not the time to be emotionally illogical. That is why inner honesty is vital.

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Leave everything that can be left. Don’t change anything. Take the stress off. Relax. Rest as often as possible. It isn’t important to decide who gets what. Not now. There will be lots of time later.

Keep this rule active for as long as you can. A year is generally thought to be a good idea.

The only exception here is filling in the void times. Those times when you always did something together and now trying to do it alone just rips your heart out. Find something else to do, something else to watch, or somewhere else to go. Do something you’d enjoy. Maybe something your partner didn’t like so much. You aren’t being disloyal to their memory. You’ll do those things again, probably. But you’ll do them later when your tear ducts are replenished and not so frequently emptied.

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Do everything to face and dispatch the “Guilty” verdict about anything. This one will wreck every plan you made and turn you into a sad idiot. There are always guilt’s laying around to ambush you. Try to call each one Liar at its first raised horn. If it isn’t vanquished and continues to harangue you, then face it head on and hear every one of its accusations. Demolish them one at a time.

If this demon continues, then find a true friend to use as a sounding board and begin talking it out. When you find the key, it will ring true in your heart and mind.

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Obviously this was a short list and not all inclusive by any means. However, it is the list to “get you thru” for right now. Later on is time enough for all the other lists of advice, like getting into a grief group to face those demons you simply put off.

And of course the biggest advice of all is: Do everyday with Father beside you. Talk to him constantly.

So far its working for me pretty well. I think I’m trekking through this new adventure reasonably healthy and still able to find Father’s Joy in this life.

Blessings all over your heart.

Faith