You may not know that losing a spouse to eternity incites a battle to rage inside. Every decision and every choice I make now most likely deconstructs a piece of the life I’m used to living. It can feel like changing my fingerprint or retina. Loosing the exact shape of things that have been a part of me for so long. Even when I choose to leave things as they are, there are other things that I must change.

A small example is Hunny’s phone and his phone number. There are a million and one ways to handle the question of what to do with them. My choice has been to leave it alone for a couple of months. But now it has stepped into the foreground and I made those decisions. The last detail was changing Hunny’s listing in my phone’s Contacts, along with his avatar and ringtone. And may I confide that I still have contacts in there that passed into eternity years ago. I enjoy seeing their names now and then.

This is exactly the kind of thing that lays await to pounce from inside the war zone. The battleground where new decisions dismantle or change the status quo of my habits and lifestyle.

Strangely, it is these war zone items that set off a certain atmosphere inside me and my kingdom. It’s an air of dread, renewed mourning, of being out-of-control, victimized, and many of the qualities of grief, like anger, denial, and self-pity. Apparently these disturbances within me are so powerful that they have taken to manifesting via my neighbor’s dogs on both sides breaking into loud clamoring chaos of barking, howling, and crying. At the same time! And at the worst time!

I wondered what was going on. Why was this happening!? I didn’t understand it. And I began having moments of feeling like I was spinning out. Losing it. Badly. What was this!?

Then for several mornings I woke up with the song, “The Night Chicago Died” playing in my mind. It would break in on me throughout the day. And it’s not a sad, melancholy song. Rather its quite upbeat and catchy, playing over and over in my head. So, I looked it up and listened to it a few times. But how did it apply? It made no sense.

Until today. Father prompted me to read the lyrics and engage Spirit to understand the message it was laying out for me. That’s when I saw this battlefield within myself. My inner reigning royalty…me…undergoing change!

The songs lyrics are not a true account of history, but that’s not important because the story it tells, is mine. In effect, two reigning entities battling for control. The new and the old. In essence, the destruction, desperation, heartache, and chaos of remapping a life. Something I haven’t experienced since tipping over so many holy cows of religion many years ago. And that took years to accomplish.

Armed with this new perspective, I feel Father is equipping me with some understanding of this new territory. My brain has to be told that I am not a victim in this. That nothing is ever truly lost that was a part of the expression of love.

So, I’m thankful once again, to the bottom of my Being, for Father’s continued participation in my day-to-day life…no matter what it entails. He equips me to bring Peace to the battlefield. To understand the sacred of the Loved alongside the holiness of the New. Each a divine part of my evolution. No need for me to engage a war within but rather to Trust he is with me. All is well.

Blessings,

Faith