These days I’m asking myself what I want to be when I grow up and then have no clue. I resort to asking, “Where am I?” And of course, soon, Father reminds me that it’s always simple… I AM.

That statement seems to open a door in my mind which sets my spirit to painting. It paints on my “imagination” canvas like a Tasmanian devil. First one scene, then another, and another. They flip by so fast! And I can grasp any one of these fleeting images out of the air as they flit by. The choice is mine. Any one of them. Or more. Choose.

6 months is how long it’s been since Hunny transitioned. So, I asked myself, “How are you?”

Very well, actually. And it’s an odd story because each step entered as something gone wrong.

First, an old friend resurfaced declaring his undying love for me. That was the first of many red flags, as they are called. But I didn’t run away, rather my curiosity kicked into gear. What was this new “hell”? Plus, it was distracting me from that phase of mourning I call “sinking into the black hole of grieving” and reminding me to laugh and be happy again.

There’s an incredible lightness of Being when certain ones exit my path. Sometimes there is something negative within their connection and sometimes it is simply that their path and mine were only useful for a moment.

Once I met a lady at work and immediately we clicked. We shared a lunchtime rapport each day for a couple of weeks and then she was gone seemingly in a moment. But she gave me my first copy of God Calling. The devotional that got me through a couple of years of hell back then.

Throughout my life, and especially my years as a mostly traditional Christian, I noticed something about men. They were bossy, arrogant, and often stupid. And yes, I could use a nicer word, but I’m going to use the one that fits best and everyone understands.

It’s not that God made them this way. It’s what they were taught by other bossy, arrogant, stupid men. And no matter how much the Bible talks about attitude, love, and respect, they just didn’t get it.

The simplest example of Aldous’s statement is when someone tells you “I love you” but in the following days and weeks, it becomes apparent that you are insignificant except for maybe one thing. Adoring them.

Of course, we do it all the time. We believe what people tell us. And we do it constantly. To our disappointment. But this sin is already forgiven. Not only eternally but presently if we only awaken to this truth.

What would we do differently anyway? Not believe what anyone says? I know people who do this. And they aren’t happy people. So, their reaction isn’t helpful either.

Oh my, I have discovered so many scary monsters living in the depths of my subconscious since Hunny left. They are not his fault. They are simply an accumulation of thoughts and ideas I collected through the years but never had to confront because they regarded being widowed. And I was not one…until now.

The first one, of course, was the confrontation with the monster “what if my decisions are not good ones without him?” This was harder than you may think. Especially if you’ve had that “other” beside you for a very long time. Always there to bounce ideas with. Often interjecting them even before being asked. Lol. Sometimes insisting on their own perspective which may or may not be your idea of a good one. But regardless of the input…it is input. It is there. A constant. A voice now quiet. And the only answer to the question of whether my decisions are good without him is to reassess myself. My worthiness as a stand-alone, a highly capable singular person who was filled with another’s wisdom for a long time and is now the One. A very capable person. Smart enough to ask the right people when additional information is required. Yes. I am.

I was so completely overflowing with giddy joy yesterday that I could barely contain myself. Where was this coming from? And what was it ushering into my life? Joy. Overflowing Joy.

Father blessed me with a new avenue of joy for a couple of weeks. Someone to share this joy. Then that someone interrupted the joy by trying to isolate me. It was solely their choice. And I accepted this choice as theirs to make. So be it. Go with God.

And I cried like something was ripping from my chest. It was excruciating for a few hours.

As I studied hard on the details of meeting a friend for the first time in 17 years, I struggled. My plans weren’t coming together. None of them. And the frustration began building into a crescendo. All because I couldn’t figure out the perfect time and the perfect setting.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed with my disappointments and began crying. The tears turned into an out-of-control downward spiral, scaring me. What was happening? It was the strangest thing.

So, I chalked it up to being a new widow suffering grief. It’s my current Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card. I don’t use it often because it insults my intelligence and my Father’s goodness to me. But I used it this time because I couldn’t explain my spin-out of emotions.

I asked Father what it was all about.

Contemplating last week, I could ask, is it sunrise, or a great explosion because a phenomenal Suddenly burst onto my somewhat weary journey.

I wasn’t looking for a Suddenly. Not at all. Instead, I was looking for plain and simple guidance to learn and grow from my rather terrible season. And it was coming toward me in abundance. Like in the comfort of a friend newly, and traumatically single. Or like in the Grace shown me by those who love me. Even governmental agencies seemed to go out of their way to assist me. It has truly been “the best of times and the worst of times”.

Sinking into the darkness of grief and surrender, I got a glimpse of the next level of Kingdom light within me. It was a shock I still don’t completely understand and grasp. But it has to do with finding Father down there in that darkness of total suffering. Standing right there in front of me. In a place that I didn’t know he could walk as easily as he does in the light. Then I realized that he owns this too. Nothing doesn’t belong to him.

So, down in the darkness we generally suffer. Yet we’ve discovered some hidden advantages. How can suffering entail anything good? I’ve wondered that often. But it has always been true in my life. When I’m suffering that’s when I end up taking a step inward toward eternity. A step that I can’t seem to take outside of suffering. I suspect it’s because we have such screwed-up perceptions of who and what and where God lives, which isn’t any different than people have been since the beginning. So we find him when we release the hold on our human concept and surrender fully to where and what and how he not only wants to Be but already IS.